Being in my late twenties, most of my friends are still single. So this entry is not for my single friends. This is for my married friends. You know who you are. You're the ones who, when we go to a bar, you are the first ones to call it a night. You're the ones who, when we go to clubs, scan for a chair and immediately sit. You don't mingle with other singles unless you knew them as singles before you became marrieds. To the fallen bros who respond with "I dunno...I have to check with fill in wife's name" or "can't...in-laws tomorrow" simply to a beer and pizza night invite, we have one more request.
When you spawn, I have a few requests before you set all of your friends over the edge. So if you're wife's pregnant (never EVER say "We're pregnant". It's cute for the ladies...for you it's more proof that you're no longer dude. This is not the tip...this is just one of those rules that we as dudes must follow), make sure it's yours. In case of twins, make sure both of them are yours. If your wife gets the pregs, of course it means that...
a. your wife still actually lets you touch her
b. you still find your wife attractive
c. oops
In case of choices "A" and "B", kudos. If it's the third one, be a man and raise that kid right. If it turns out to be a boy, you have a drinking buddy in 15 years! If it's a girl, raise her right and so the world will have another clone of your gorgeous wife that my son will eventually hit on in 21 years. Unless, of course, you're Ryan Killgrew. We don't even know why you dated your wife much less married her.
So now the conversation between you and your wife begins. The name of your next generation should be everlasting...noble...brand name. In a word: monumental. In two words: bad ass! It should never be a debate. Remember the kid with the awkward name when you were in kindergarten? Cousteau Ramirez got his sweater flushed down the toilet, no one could ever spell or pronounce Kayleigh Van Der Hoerffen's (sp?) name, and Strawberry Simmons...last I saw her, she actually uses her real name when she dances at the the Nudes Nudes Nudes by the airport. You can actually smell the strawberry and the daddy issues from her.
And we all know what happened to Hank...he was King of the Monkey Bars and Archduke of the Sandlot.
So don't be an idiot with your kids' names. Please. No pretentious names. No pretentious spellings. To help you out, here are a few tips:
1. Stick to the "close to original" spelling. "Michelle" is never "Michelley", "Lizzie" or "Lizzy" is never "Liszty". PS...I also propose one spelling for "Shawn".
2. There is no need to name your kid after the first thing you see...anymore (unless of course your culture says so which in that case, it is still awesome that you have that excuse). Bear, Abrosia, and Lemmonjello are forever cursed.
3. Think through if the name you give (including the nickname) matches with the last name. The Dover couple should never name their son Benjamin. I also once knew a kid from high school named "James Jameson". William Powell Lear (founder of the Lear Jet Corp) should never have named his daughter "Shanda". Bad move bro.
4. Don't ever give your child a last name for a first name...unless the nickname is cute. Madison = Good. Campbell = Bad
5. Don't ever give your son a State or a City name for his first name. He will never be trusted in a game of cards.
To sum it up, here's a horror story of a bad move: as if "Conner" (which means "dog lover" or "wolf lover") was pretentious enough, my buddy names his new kid "Kauner".
"Kauner" means "stalker" or "one who is average and just wants to be invited".
I'd stay away from this kid.
PS: You're welcome!
No comments:
Post a Comment