Wingwoman

Contrary to what people may think, it’s not always necessary that the wingman actually be a wingMAN. The duties of the wingman are not restricted to gender or, for that matter, sexual orientation. That being said, anyone can and should be trained to be a wingman. Point in case: remember Greg? He and I need to train better as each other’s wingmen much like the center needs to train with the QB in order to achieve a seamless execution of the snap.

But not like I’m the one who’s under center touching Greg’s ass. That’s just...um…uncomfortable.

I’m not saying that the center-QB relationship is gay.

Unless they are…and there nothing wrong with that…

Especially since a majority of them can kick my ass.

Umm…

It’s just a bad analogy.

Let’s use a better one.

A wingman must train to anticipate each other’s moves. Much like Roy must know when Sigfried is in trouble.

You know what…I’m having some trouble with words today. I’ll try some other time.

You’re welcome, anyway.

Wingman Training

Here’s a premise all guys should abide: Never work with a wingman.

I will write about this later, but since all dudes should know to always have a wingman, here is the rule’s correlation: Wingmen should train together.

This is the story of the wingman fiasco of 2009.

A few weeks ago, my wingman Greg Sanchez, another dude, and I were out at our second usual hangout bar in Manhattan Beach. We sat next to a group of four women and a guy—knowing full well that not all of those women are there for him. Obeying the guy rule “Never Rack-Jack Another Dude”, we observed who was getting most of his attention. She is off-limits for the night (unless, of course, he turns out to be a douche, or she initiates contact, or she winks at you, or she is over a 6, or you're bored).

So we proceed with the play.

Step 1: Introductions

We introduced ourselves while being careful not to give too much information before we find out more of them.

Step 2: Information Gathering

We got the names of the people at the other table. It is also important, at this time, to find out their history with the city. In this case, the woman Greg was talking to just moved to LA a few months ago. We’ll call her “whatshername.” This important piece of information brings us to…

Step 3: Calling the Play

Now, Greg doesn’t necessarily know the plays that I call as his wingman. For the most part, though, a good wingbro will know what kind of offense the other is setting up—ground game, air attack, smash and dash…you know. For Greg, I called an improvised play—a hybrid of the “Give-and-Go” and “Tourist Trap”.

Step 4: Initiating the Play

So I was laying down the foundation of the “Give-and-Go”—I was buttering up “whatshername” with wit and charm when “whatshername” said that she’s from Phoenix. I said “my buddy Greg here…he showed me around LA when I first moved.” Turning my attention to Greg, I said “Greg, why don’t you tell ‘whatshername’ where to get the best Mexican food” (Tip: always connect the cities with cuisine).

This is as far as this part of the night went because things went horribly wrong from here.

She seemed to be interested in my buddy, but little did I know that he wanted just to protect the pocket. Even though it seemed that Greg was hitting it off with “whatshername” and that she was into him, Greg really wasn’t. I didn’t know this until he kicked me under the table—giving me the audible.

And this is why wingmen have to train together; because while I have a rule that I don’t go for anyone I can’t bench press, Greg has a rule that he doesn’t go for anyone who can bench press him.

Duly noted, Greg.

You’re welcome!

Career Opportunities

Sorry I didn’t get to write in a while. I’ve been traveling and have been busy at the office to write anything substantial. At any rate, here I am back in the Deep North where they drive around with the Maple Leaf on the back of their pickup. Yes, I'm back in Montreal…Toronto? Whatever.

I have nothing really substantial to write about this trip other than these two:

1. While I was at the airport, there was a guy who sat down next to me and randomly started juggling. Grown men will never be treated with respect. First, your entire clientele depends on children surviving another year and celebrating it with cake and a juggler or a magician. Second, your entire competition consists of cake, magician, and puberty. Third, no one has ever said “when I grow up, I want to be a juggler”—mime, maybe, but never juggler.
2. Make sure you check out McGill University. Along with their beautiful campus and this awesome statue trailblazing merchant James McGill, the Martlet women rock!

Enjoy!

Goodbye Montreal

I'm back in LA, fellas and felletes!

To all who are thinking of leaving LA for even a bit, don't ever take your hometown for granted. Where else can we enjoy great conversations with good friends while savoring the joy of Chipotle and Pink Berry.

Don't ever take it for granted.

The Art of Cupcake Eating

Pink frosting should never appear on a man's face. Here's the procedure to avoid looking like a douche.

1. Assess situation.









2. Cut off the bottom. Eat the bottom first.









3. Section remainder into four by slicing vertically.









Enjoy!

You're welcome!